We’re living in some tricky times when it comes to modern-day relationships. Friends turn to benefits, benefits turn to friends, and somewhere in the midst of it all, there’s the label for people who hate labels- friends with benefits (FWB).
We’re in the paradigm shift of eras. It’s an era where catching feelings is frowned upon and many try to downplay their relations. How many times have you caught your friend beaming at their phone speaking to someone they’re interested in, only to hear, “no we’re just friends.”
“Friends with benefits” confers a situation where two people engage in friendship related activities, but are also each other’s hookup go-to.
As simple as it sounds, it becomes a convoluted term when the snaretrap of emotions gets involved. And since most of us reading this aren’t robots, there’s a high risk of taking a turn down a smitten ally.
@licoutputting ankle weights on next time ##relatable ##dating ##relationships ##comedy♬ original sound – Luc
According to studies, most relationships tend to start as friendships in the modern day dating regime.
Read Also:A friendly romance: New study finds relationships often start out as friendships
However, if the end goal is to remain in the FWB spectrum, how successful is it actually?
Recently, I came across a video where a therapist weighed in on the conversation regarding FWB. She’s one of TikTok’s favourite therapists to date, boasting a quarter of a million followers.
In a stitch video that saw a girl expressing that men see the situation differently (as in, less on the friendship side of the equation), @somymomsatherapist gave her highly valuable two-cents.
“You hear heavy on the friends, and they hear heavy on the benefits,” she expressed.
“So do I actually think friends with benefits exists?” she mused aloud.
“No. I think it works until it doesn’t.”
The therapist goes onto to express that FWB doesn’t work the minute you add “the emotions and the caring” and essentially what entails friendship.
“You can’t help but get attached,” she deduces.
@somymomsatherapist##greenscreenvideo @lilpeepscokenail ##somymomsatherapist ##foryoupage ##toktherapy ##friendswithbenifits ##NeverStopExploring♬ original sound – So my mom’s a therapist
According to Medium, from a scientific point of view, friends with benefits never work in the long term. The reason for this is due to our brain and psychology. The scientific reasoning for this is called the familiarity principle.
The principle dictates that we are attracted to what is familiar to us. According to several studies, the understanding is that facial attractiveness positively correlates with both familiarity and typically. This means that as people, we react positively to what we know. Thus, we see a strong correlation between feelings and familiarity. Ie: The more you see someone and interact with them positively (cue intimacy) it’s very likely that the familiarity principle will secure attachment.
Why are people into friends with benefits situations anyway?
As @somymomsatherapist notes, it has something to do with feeling safer.
With younger generations in particular, many of us have been bolstered by pop-culture and social media to keep ourselves guarded. Catching feelings has largely been stigmatised as a point of weakness. As lover-boy king Drake adequately put it, “we live in a generation of, not being in love and not being together. But we sure make it seem like feel like we’re together, [because] we’re scared to see each other with somebody else.”
What makes FWB Tricky?
As per The Cut, a study conducted by Professor Kendra Knight published in Emerging Adulthood found a few conclusions for why FWB can be a tricky situation. Her conclusions were largely based on a lack of communication to do with expectations, and this is why communication was such a hotbed of contestation.
1. Those in FWBRs think that even having a conversation defeats the purpose of such relationships in the first place.
According to the study subjects, the emotional talk was a sort of juxtaposition to the casual nature of an FWB set-up.
2. People are worried they will be seen as clingy or unstable if they open up a substantive conversation about their FWBR.
3. People don’t want to show their emotional cards.
The study conveyed that people weren’t sure if they had a “right” to talk about certain issues like jealousy. As The Cut denotes, “to communicate jealousy would be to show weakness.”
4. When one partner does want to talk, the other often shuts it down.
“This was maybe the saddest finding” the publication expresses. The thread seemed to run along the parameters that when one opened up, the other would shut it down in an effort to maintain the casual nature of the relationship.
So, does friends with benefits work? Essentially it depends on your idea of what works. If you’re looking to maintain something fun and casual, you have absolutely no insurance that the other person won’t get attached (thanks to the familiarity principle). You could lose the friendship and hurt someone in the process. On the other hand, it could be you listening to Drake’s saddest lyrics in the off-spin.
In my opinion, writes Cape {town} Etc’s Ashleigh Nefdt, the bigger question isn’t whether FWB works, but rather why do we want it to, and why are so many of us trifling collective commitment issues?
Picture: Pinterest/ignant.com