Whether the mystical male midlife crisis is real or not, there’s no doubt that something happens to men when they hit 40, as Gasant Abarder found. In this new #SliceofGasant column he reflects on going bald and starting to embrace his midlife crisis as the catalyst to rediscovering his mojo. Baby!
Abarder, who recently launched his book, Hack with a Grenade, is among the country’s most influential media voices. Catch his weekly column here, exclusive to Cape {town} Etc.
Is the male midlife crisis a real thing? I think so, despite the giggles it evokes at the mere mention of it to explain away toxic male behaviour. Of course, many men entering their forties display classic symptoms of approaching the age of grumpiness.
There are numerous ways in which the male midlife crisis manifests in almost comical ways. An Italian sports car if you have the cash or an affair. Okay, not so comical. Dressing inappropriately for your age. Collecting things like football shirts and classic toys because they’re retro. Or hitting the gym or playing strenuous team sports hard! And then acting out while playing said sport.
It’s a good idea to have someone keeping you in check or run the risk of being a laughing stock. Enter my 13-year-old daughter, who is always having a laugh at my expense. We might as well be from different planets and she reminds me at every turn.
My jeans are never in fashion, whether I wear them skinny or relaxed. I’m always a season behind when it comes to the sayings of the moment or music. And she pokes my balding spot on my head – that was previously explained away as a crown – as if to emphasise her point.
The receding hairline has been a particular sore point for me. Just two years before the teen was born I had long, almost shoulder length hair. The cuts got shorter over the years as I took up office jobs. Then, about three years ago, after I just turned 40, I was faced with the naked (bald?) truth. It happened while I was changing a flat tyre.
My kids were amused because they didn’t think their old man knew how to change a tyre. I was going to show them and invited them to take pictures. I was going to post the somewhat aerial view of me hunched over the flat, wheel brace in hand, when I stopped dead in my tracks. The crown had grown in stature. It was now what is known as a middle bles (the colloquial term for a bald head).
I didn’t want to be the uncle in the furniture business and so I literally took matters into my own hands. Into the COVID lockdown I became super aware of my hair loss. I invested in caffeine shampoo, horse hair shampoo and later even tried baby shampoo after a friend swore by it. I was delaying the inevitable. But there was nothing for it. I then did what any self-respecting guy in my dire situation should do and bought hair clippers with which I’ve been giving myself number zero haircuts since.
Sjoe, it does get cold in winter and my beanie and cap collection has grown significantly. For the most part, polite folks have commented that the new look makes me look younger. But the crowd on Twitter always go for the jugular in typical fashion and think nothing of commenting on the fallow follicles.
If you grew up on the Cape Flats you’ll know that hair is a big thing. I’m always amused that folks with sleek, straight hair want curls and those with lovely curls want them straight. And if your hair isn’t straight and a bit coarse in texture it’s a thing too. You’re kroes – a statement that is as crude as it sounds. You were conditioned hearing the aunties say things about a suitor coming to visit their daughters, like: “Ooh, he’s nice hey. Such nice, straight hair!”
But my head has grown into my hair. Quite literally! I’ve pondered about all the successful chaps who sport a shiny, bald head. There is that fellow Pep Guardiola from Manchester City who has done wonderful things with that football club. Dr Dre is a musical genius and he’s bald. Jeff Bezos has a bles too and he’s not doing too badly, is he?
Sure, you can argue that the best among men have or have had full heads of hair. Selected results include Madiba 1 – FW 0, Prince Harry 1 – Prince William 0, and He-Man 1 – Skeletor 0. But if you tally up the results I would call it a draw. Besides, do you really want an Adolf Hitler comb-over?
Hey, at least the prospect of going bald is one less thing for me to worry about during my midlife crisis, right? I’ve embraced the new look and this phase of my life and there have been some great lessons and laughs along the way as I’ve gotten to like myself again.
Real or perceived, the male midlife crisis can be debilitating if you let it get under your skin. But if you use it as an opportunity to rediscover your mojo, it may just be the platform to discovering the best years of your life. (Oh, and please don’t tell the lovely folks at Cape Town Etc about my new look because they’re still kindly using my portrait with the full head of hair!)
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Picture: Supplied
