In this week’s #SliceofGasant, Gasant Abarder finds himself locked out of heaven. Living on the outside, on the fringes of the southern suburbs of Cape Town, he got the jacket he thought would open the door to his membership. But then the door slammed shut because you can take him out of the Cape Flats, but you can never take the Cape Flats out of him.
Abarder, who recently launched his book, Hack with a Grenade, is among the country’s most influential media voices. Catch his weekly column here, exclusive to Cape {town} Etc.
Sometimes it is wise to measure one’s expectations. Set realistic targets like an attainable quadruple of wins. A quadruple like the one that makes up a southern suburbs starter pack. Like the glamorous Peter Stuyvesant cigarette ad of the ’80s promised: an ‘international passport to smoking pleasure’.
The starter pack for the pretty southern suburbs of Cape Town can help you fit in. Make you look like the ones who live between the M5 and the mountain. You will need in your quadruple not a Champions League trophy. But rather: 1) a K-Way puffer jacket, 2) Salomon trail running shoes, 3) A Toyota Fortuner/Land Rover Defender, and 4) Oakley sunglasses.
I have at least two of these – the jacket and the sunglasses. I have no use for trail running shoes and no money for the aforementioned vehicles. But truth be told, as hard as I want to aspire to southern suburbs elite, I live in limbo – not quite Cape Flats and not quite southern suburbs. I live in Kenwyn.
Now let me explain to those who don’t live in Cape Town or who unfortunately find themselves in the northern suburbs of this poky fishing village of a city. Kenwyn is sandwiched between heaven and hell. It really is Hanover Park West, hugging the less fancied side of the M5-Highway. Somehow the town planners ran out of names. So, they chose a hybrid name made up of Ken and Wyn because it is located in the middle of Kenilworth and Wynberg.
Also read: The ultimate guide to spending a day in Kenilworth/Harfield
To cause even further confusion, the market-related rates and municipal charges for Kenwyn certainly makes us feel southern suburbs. But the catchment area rules some southern suburbs schools employ to keep us wannabes out certainly makes us feel Cape Flats. I almost borrowed bestie Lance Witten’s municipal account with the Claremont address to get my daughter into a top southern suburbs school.
It’s a bit like the misnomer that is Rondebosch East. The suburb on the other side of the M5 that tries so hard is more Athlone West. What is the fuss all about? Well, a cool R3 million difference between the price of a house in Rondebosch East and Rondebosch (proper) for starters.
Your level of southern suburbs-ness can also be indicated and identified by the type of jacket you own. Those who have the K-Way brand have just about made it across the border. You will find yourself living between the M5 Highway and Milner Road.
Now, K-Way is for weekdays if your address is located between Milner Road and the M3 Highway because for Johnny’s rugby matches on Saturday mornings, you really want to be wearing a North Face or Columbia jacket.
And it’s the Patagonia brand of jacket or nothing if you’re living anywhere above the M3 Highway. I can’t afford the toothfish of Patagonia (thanks to the price of petrol), never mind the jacket.
I made the rookie mistake of announcing on Twitter that I had acquired my K-Way jacket on a 15% off promotion. I wanted to know if my navy K-Way puffer (the light version, not the deluxe Michelin-man type one that is more expensive) qualified me now as a southern suburbs resident, even though I lived in Kenwyn.
Of course, the discount was met with disapproving sighs in response. We don’t talk about things like discounts in the southern suburbs. I felt despair since the disclosed discount abruptly dashed my chances of membership.
Enter Eskom as the great leveler. Eskom really is an equal opportunity asshole. You see, Kenwyn (southern suburbs wannabe) and Harfield Village, Claremont (southern suburbs proper), both fall into Area 5 of loadshedding. To Eskom, it doesn’t matter the colour of your K-Way, the model of your Fortuner or the style of your Oakley eyewear, pal. You’re getting loadshed as hard as me – punctually, promptly and on time!
So, what’s in a jacket, you ask? Well, it’s a garment to keep you warm or bothered (thanks to Cape Town’s confusing weather). But in the southern suburbs food chain, it is everything! Especially in the icebox that is your local Woolies food store!
Wear it up – with chinos and loafers. Or down – in the rain with rugby shorts and flip flops. But whatever you do, wear it. The branded puffer is key to the southern suburbs starter pack – your passport to living your best life as one of Cape Town’s chosen people.