Our sisters, wives, aunts, moms and daughters are doing it for themselves and if they just open their eyes they will realise that we men are mere accessories in their world.
Embrace the change and give them the space to reach their true potential, writes Gasant Abarder in this Women’s Month edition of his #SliceofGasant column.
The English Premier League is back and I gave Mrs Abarder my annual pep talk: thank you for keeping me company during the off-season, you were great. But the season has begun and now for the next nine months it will be wall-to-wall football.
Weekends will be planned around the fixtures of Manchester United, and their fortunes (or misfortunes) may or may not have a big impact on my mental health, I told her.
Of course, I was joking. Then we discussed seriously how in some homes that was a full-time situation. There are many women, who are mothers, who come home after a full day of work to cook, clean, do the washing, see to the kids while the men sit around and expect to be served on.
Oh, and I was one of them. A mommy’s boy who had everything done for him. But I realised very quickly that my marriage, which is now into its 18th year, would never survive this kind of behaviour. My ass would’ve and should’ve been kicked to the kerb. I had to learn to pick up after myself, cook, clean and do my bit because we both work.
Here is a shock to your system you need, guys (men): women have careers and ambition, and they will leave you behind unless you shape up. My dad grew up in different times when conventions ruled the day but anything a boy or a man can do, a girl or a woman can do too – often better. Trust me, I coach a junior girl’s school football team and recently they trounced a mixed-aged boys’ team 7-1.
I write this in Women’s Month in which we pay tribute to the heroines of 1956 who marched to Pretoria to reject a system that not only disenfranchised black South Africans but doubled down on the oppression of women. They emphatically said no to patriarchy and laid the foundations for women from the far-flung regions of our country, in cities and rural areas.
Yes, I am a man writing this so I can only write as an ally. What surprises me is that academics must remind society in thought leadership pieces that women have it so much harder because of the behaviour of mommy’s boys – partners of successful women pursuing careers – that has unfortunately persisted. The fact that we still must be reminded in 2024, many decades after that 1956 march, is really embarrassing.
Women have it much harder, academics in at least two think pieces I’ve read, write, based on empirical evidence from studies of our labour market, here is still discrimination in the workplace against pregnancy, for example. Women are paid less than male peers. The burden of primary caregiver still largely rests on the shoulder of women. As a father of three daughters, I want to break that cycle. They need to know they have the power to reach their full potential – partners or not.
They need to see their dad getting his hands dirty, washing dishes, cleaning floors and cooking slap up meals because he wants to. And if these chores clash with a Man United game, then dad will make a plan by setting up his phone on a tripod so he can cook and watch – something women have mastered for generations: multi-tasking.
Yes, I struggle to multi-task, but I am learning. So much so, that I recently catered for a birthday party of the relative of a friend with a meal for 40 people successfully and I enjoyed it thoroughly. Because of this shift in attitude, I’ve taught myself to cook several different dishes and I love it. I now struggle to choose between cooking and playing and watching football as my favourite hobby.
C’mon, guys. We do need to shape up and make space for women to be all they can be. This means taking a step back, at home and at work, and recognising the undeserved privilege we’ve had and give them the space to move ahead of men for once.
Like me, you may discover a hidden talent that will eclipse your skills of sitting on the couch every weekend watching match after match of footy while life happens around you. Womandla!
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