Boys will be boys and as columnist Gasant Abarder explains, it’s just the toys that get bigger and more expensive. As he approaches the big 50th birthday in just over two years’ time, he has sunken his savings into a vehicle rebuild project that is going to bleed him dry. And it’s hard to wipe the smile off his face.
Some guys going through a midlife crisis, who have the resources, buy luxury sports cars like Ferraris. Others go fishing or take up golf. In extreme cases, they have affairs.
What did I do? I bought the worst vehicle known to man. It arguably gives you the worst driving experience, not unlike driving a tractor, handles the way it wants to handle and often breaks down.
But I can’t be happier after getting my grubby paws on the canvas of my dream car build, which I call Project yoLANDa. As my wife Laylaa and I celebrated our 18th anniversary yesterday, I couldn’t help but giggle about the abomination parked in the furthest reaches of our driveway right now and how Laylaa hates it.
I’ve been driving past this 1986 Land Rover Defender 110 2-door hardtop for some months now, parked in front of the gate of a house in the neighbourhood. On Father’s Day, I decided to buy yoLANDa. She was on the market for double the price, but I got her for an absolute steal. The best part: her original V8 Ranger engine starts on demand. Her body has taken a few knocks over the years. Her mileage: only 184 000km.
When I asked the seller if yoLANDa had any leaks he just smiled and said wryly: ‘What do you think? It’s a Land Rover.’ A day or so later, we drove her to Camps Bay and I intentionally chose the route over Kloof Nek to see what she could do. We made it in time for my daughters’ football match. This is not your daily car. It’s a cruiser for destinations you don’t want to get to in a hurry.
She isn’t pretty. There is a fair amount of rust and the paintwork is flaking. Water rains into the drivers’ side and it has seen more spiders than passengers recently. So why did I buy arguably the worst car in the world?
Well, there are a few reasons. When I first met Laylaa I was driving a British racing green Defender 90. It had a 2.8 litre BMW engine and was by no means a slouch with the power to match. It was pristine but I didn’t have the mechanical nous to keep her maintained. That, and the fact that I never left the house with a bottle of anti-freeze as she’d overheat on every drive.
On our first date 20 years ago, the green Defender’s immobiliser malfunctioned. It was a Friday evening and cost me a premium to fix. While I was waiting to get it sorted, I went inside to meet Laylaa’s lovely family, and this experience helped me make the decision that would lead to the best 18 years of my life to date!
As we headed towards a life together, I had to sell that green Defender that I loved so much. It just wasn’t practical. But now, I have a second chance to drive the vehicle of my dreams. And my two huskies, Rocky and Maya, will be able to go on these adventures with me.
I had a budget for my refurbishment. But I’ve already got the vehicle at less than half of what I budgeted for. For the heart transplant, I was going to splurge on a V8 Lexus engine and an automatic transmission. But YoLANDa already has a massive heart. She just needs a service and tune-up.
So, what is left of a now-healthy budget will be used for straight steel pipes to bring that beautiful V8 sound to life. I’ve already warned the neighbours. No snorkel for yoLANDa because she’s never going off-road. She’s a weekend urban cruiser.
Instead, there’ll be deliciously fat all-terrain tyres on all-black studded wheels and the spare will rest on the back door. The black wheels will match a high-gloss black hard top roof with a modern Defender grill, side steps, an updated bumper, and high-gloss bonnet and fender vents. All these accessories and the fender and bonnet checker plate will be in black too.
Then, off to the body and paint shop for a nardo grey high gloss coat. The interior will include 6×9 speakers, mids and a 12-inch subwoofer with an amp and an Apple CarPlay enabled touchscreen entertainment unit; it’s the Cape Flats in me. The truck bed will be finished in timber and stainless steel with matching footwells and leather seats with an elegant cross-stitch. The entertainment unit will rest in a modern custom dash to match the seats.
I can’t wait for you to see yoLANDa in all her glory. It’s the midlife crisis where I’m in charge! She’s already turning heads and she hasn’t even had a makeover. Facing a mid-life crisis? Don’t have an affair, get a labour of love. You only live once!
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Picture: Supplied
