If you grew up in a Cape Flats home, you’ll know that your mom turned into a tyrant mere hours before Christmas or Eid day. We braced ourselves because there was no escape from the big clean while working against the clock in preparation for the big day, remembers Gasant Abarder in a new #SliceofGasant.
Abarder, who recently launched his book, Hack with a Grenade, is among the country’s most influential media voices. Catch his weekly column here, exclusive to Cape {town} Etc.
There is something about Cape Flats moms around Christmas and Labarang (parochial for Eid) that flips a switch in their heads. ‘The people’ are coming and we need to make sure everything is shiny for when they visit. It’s a frenzy of preparation and cleaning – usually just hours before the big day.
Have you ever painted a boundary wall dark green at night on the eve of Christmas or Labarang? These are the kinds of lengths our moms have put us through over the years. I was never quite sure who ‘the people’ were but I just assumed it referred to the same people whose table was reserved at a Cape Flats wedding reception. It would almost always be the bosses our moms and dads worked for (and for whom too, we had to put our best foot forward).
It’s not like we didn’t know the holy day was coming. Christmas is on the 25th of December. Every year. Islamic calendars show months in advance the likely day Labarang is on. The feeling my mom secretly revelled in us scurrying around like crazy often crossed my mind.
Your dear mom would wake up on Christmas Eve or the last day of fasting before Labarang like a possessed Marlena from the soapie, Days of our Lives. We’re going to turn out the house – or ‘uit turn’ as it is known on the Flats, she’d announce. It literally means turning the house inside out (and sometimes upside down) for the deepest clean of the year.
The curtains are removed and washed or replaced with a fresh set. The carpet is scrubbed with a powdered cleaning product called Vim, using brushes then your feet to walk out the foam it creates. The windows are washed to such a shine if you’re not careful you’d smash into it thinking they were open. The door knobs and brass ornaments are polished with Brasso.
Then, the good cutlery and crockery you never knew you had and were already clean, emerges from the highest shelf and are washed again. And then all of a sudden – stashed in the most obscure parts of the house – a treasure trove of ‘luxuries’ is revealed.
The term ‘luxuries’ at the Cape Flats is used to describe any treat. The finest Quality Street chocolates, panned peanuts and raisins, cashews and other fine treats. But don’t you dare touch it before the big day.
Our moms have been gaslighting us all along. Now there is Coca-Cola, Bashews and other luxury cooldrink in the house. For the entire year, we’ve been drinking 11-in-1 Mix-a-drink or Kool-Aid. In my case, when the Soda Stream machine packed up she just kept buying the syrup and diluting it with three parts water, one part syrup. Mixed into two litre Coke empties, as if to drive home a point.
If you want to survive the madness in a Cape Flats home, there are a few ‘mom phrases’ you need to be familiar with:
- “Yay, moetie my bors warm maakie. Werk reg (You’re making me angry. Don’t do a half-baked job)!”
- “Is jou hande dan tette (Why can’t you do this yourself)?”
“Die goed gattie dit self skoon maak nie (Hurry up, it’s not going to clean itself)!” - “Hou djy miskien vir jou stupid (Stop fooling around)?”
- “Eet net daai, dan sien djy! Daai luxuries is vir môre, virrie mense (Those treats are for ‘the people’ for tomorrow).”
- “Daai vloer moet blink tot djy met jou bek daarop kan gly (I want those floors shiny)!”
If you manage to have a driver’s license and access to the family car you could escape the cleaning frenzy. But it will mean endless trips to pick up things for mom. Trips to Elite (a famous supermarket in Athlone) because the margarine is 10 cents cheaper, even though you live in Mitchells Plain.
And the famous errand – on Christmas or Labarang morning – that I know every designated driver can relate to: “Oh, no! Mommy forgot the fresh cream. Go buy mommy two bottles quickly … for the trifle!” Of course, it’s sold out everywhere so this particular errand may see you missing the festivities all together. You dare not come home without it.
But it is Christmas and Labarang after all, and if you can live through the abuse you can look forward to an amazing spread of festive eats and quality time with the family. Well, at least until the Boxing Day clean up begins! And ‘the people’ will be talking about your Christmas bash all year round.
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Picture: Memedroid