Dear South Africa
Greetings from the North Pole. We have come to that joyous time of year again when all those who have chosen to be nice, rather than be like Zuma, can expect a little something under their Christmas tree on December 25.
For centuries I’ve had the monopoly on gift distribution around the world, regardless of what that Jeff Bezos guy from Amazon is claiming. No one gets to all corners of the world like me and my reindeer.
Thanks to my connections at Stats SA in South Africa, I feel I can bring to your attention the real miracle of Christmas – Santa and his reindeer. We’re a movie waiting to happen.
If you think Cyril Ramaphosa has problems to solve, spare a thought for me this Christmas as I attempt to satisfy South Africa’s craving for nice things.
In order for me, Rudolph, Dasher, Prancer and the rest of the crew to reach every household in South Africa, Stats SA says we will have to deliver to 430 homes in one second. Yes, suddenly the ANC’s “missing 68” problem doesn’t seem all that complicated, does it? Every year I perform miracles to make sure that everyone who made it onto my nice list gets a gift, and now South Africans will know just how good I am. For real, folks, I’m lit.
To reach all 16,6-million households in South Africa between sunset on Christmas eve and Christmas morning, I have a total of 10 hours and 46 minutes. Holy, jingle bells, right?! Don’t try this at home.
I can only afford to spend 1 hour and 11 minutes in the Western Cape and deliver to all 1,8-million households. I thought I could squeeze in a Gatsby on the way, but not this time I guess. I imagine that all sorts of animal rights and labour laws will be broken, and if my reindeer down hooves I’m screwed. For hundreds of years though, there hasn’t been a glitch, despite Rudolph’s allergies, and Prancer’s ADD.
Gauteng is going to be a nightmare with 4,9-million households waiting with bated breath and electric fencing, and only 3 hours and 10 minutes to do it in. Thank the baby Jesus we don’t need to use the toll roads. Chances are I’m not going to stick around for milk and cookies, let alone kiss any mothers under the mistletoe.
I hear cookies are real cheap in Limpopo at R10,66 for 200g, and I can pick up carrots for R8,14 per kg in the Free State too. I may stay longer in those two provinces just for kicks – and treats.
The Northern Cape should be a piece of Christmas cake. There are only 329 000 households in 13 minutes. Bezos for what?
My friends at Stats SA and I would also like us to bring to your attention (as if you didn’t know already) that times are tough and gifts don’t come cheap anymore. Please go easy on the requests for drones. The average price of gifts for all members of the family have gone up over the past year. A gift for Dad costs 1,2% more this year, and something for a girl costs 16% more this time around. Maybe skip granny’s gift this year. It will cost you 11% more than last year.
More importantly, spread the cheer this Christmas. We have a lot to be grateful for. We could be living in Donald Trump’s Nambia.
Merry Christmas, South Africa.
Pictures: Stats SA and Pixabay
