As Gasant Abarder stood in the queue for his Bleak Friday special, he kind of knew he was being taken for a ride. But the retail therapy was a welcome break from all the cold call telemarketers who ignore privacy laws trying to flog insurance and funeral plans, he writes in a new #SliceOfGasant column.
Abarder, who recently launched his book, Hack with a Grenade, is among the country’s most influential media voices. Catch his weekly column here.
Today is Take-It-Back Tuesday. It is the 5th sequel in the Bleak Friday series, which is followed by part 2: Spend-a-lot Saturday, part 3: Spatpoep Sunday, and part 4: Moaning Monday.
Bleak Friday is the farce of the actual United States sale where you can really pick up an item you need (not want) for an absolute steal. Here in Mzansi, retailers put down the usual price as the Bleak Friday price and scratch out an inflated cost that never existed as the ‘was’ price on their marketing. I know because I’ve been watching the prices of items I want.
I’m not going to lie. I participated in some of the Bleak Friday sales but only because we’re renovating our kitchen and made some serious savings on appliances. But back to my story about the Bleak Friday series.
Spend-a-lot Saturday is when you go back to the shops because you didn’t smaak to stand in the queue on Friday and find that not all the Coca-Colas have been sold. And the 2-ply toilet rolls are so nicely marked down that you panic buy because no one wants 1-ply toilet rolls during Januworry (which is also known in some places as kak-off January)?
Spatpoep Sunday is when you’re standing in the sports store and justifying those running shoes that are 70 percent off that you don’t really need but really want, and you know that by week three of December, you’re eating baked beans for supper every night of the week – hence the runny tummy.
By Moaning Monday, you’re suffering serious buyer’s remorse and shouting at the kids for playing with the Styrofoam packaging and tearing up the box of the 5.1 surround sound bar you used to watch the Man United game loudly and for which your neighbour has already complained.
Take-It-Back Tuesday is self-explanatory. You’re standing there in the returns queue, having kept the receipt just in case, and getting your story right about how this wasn’t the sound bar you wanted in order to save face.
I must say, the retail therapy has been a lovely respite from stage 6 loadshedding, driving around Cape Town like it’s Joburg with not a single working traffic light, and avoiding the morose switching on of the festive lights by the City of Cape Town (the irony!).
I saw the video of a poor City of Cape Town Law Enforcement Officer trying to figure out what offence the aunty with the Palestine flag draped around her shoulder at the festive lights event had committed. Either that or he couldn’t spell Palestine so was contemplating letting it go altogether.
But the biggest break is that telemarketers seem to have backed off. Despite what your company warns about POPIA (yes, there is always that overzealous POPIA person in every organisation), there is no one around to police it. In the time it takes to prosecute someone for a POPIA breach – and I can’t think of a precedent setter – you could have arrested three Jacob Zumas, caught a serial killer and had Oscar Pistorius serve his sentence and be released.
I secretly wish I could be the first POPIA breacher in South Africa just for the prospect of making history because the policing of the act is as lame as President Cyril Ramaphosa’s presidency.
The cold-calling telemarketing industry is keeping people in jobs though despite scratching my head about how King P@3$ Insurance thinks this type of marketing enhances their brand. I entertain the calls for my own entertainment value. So, when they call and mangle your name and surname, here is a handy guide to kill it fast:
· Telemarketer: Sir, we’d like to offer you a loan.
Me: I’m blacklisted. (This response is the quickest call killer.)
· TM: We’d like to upgrade your DSTV decoder.
Me: I haven’t had DSTV for the last five years.
· TM: Mr GAbeeder, can we offer you a competitive insurance quote?
Me: I take the bus. I don’t have a car.
The most evil are the debt consolidators who promise to make half instalments without informing you it will affect your credit score and leave you under debt review that won’t allow you to buy a house or car.
So, for all the farce that is Bleak Friday, you’re at least walking into a purchase with your eyes wide open. And to all those who got great deals, enjoy your 300-inch flat screen, sound bar and paying your brand-new car only in January (which is less than six weeks away).
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Picture: Karolina Grabowska / Pexels