If I had to compare online dating to anything, it would be a chemical disaster. The modern dating scene is a toxic wasteland filled with endless possibilities, with nothing but radiation poisoning to show for it, writes Cape {town} Etc‘s Lynn Cupido.
Dating apps have gone on to spawn a plethora of new psychological terms that have been added to our everyday vocabulary – ghosting, love-bombing, breadcrumbing – the list is endless. Men and women around the world are swiping right in hopes of finding love, but are having to dodge psychological bullets that come with putting yourself out there. The experience can be jarring.
In a world that‘s so connected, we still find ourselves reeling in pain from loneliness, clutching at straws and ignoring red flags out of sheer desperation. The Tinder Swindler, the explosive documentary released by Netflix earlier this month, is proof of this.
With countless ghosts and love-bombers, dating has become a competition of who can show the least interest. So, to find someone who showers you with attention and sweeps you off your feet is like a breath of fresh air and I’m sure that’s exactly what Simon’s victims had felt.
There have been countless moments where I’ve rationalised the red flags. After the umpteenth time, I’ve come to the conclusion that oxytocin is a dangerous hormone that often forces rationale out the door. It’s a scary hormone-induced place to be in; or lovely, depending on your perspective.
What’s more, online dating is an incredibly vulnerable experience. I mean, you’re literally on a carousel with other potential matches with looks being the only way to grab someone’s attention. So, when you actually grab that someone’s attention, meeting his parents after the first date may sound like a great idea!
However, I’ve taken away a few lessons from Simon and online dating in general.
Recognise when someone is love bombing you
Allowing someone to love bomb you can be a slippery slope to some form of abuse, whether psychological or emotional. It’s often used as a tool to lure victims in by showering them with affection and attention, making the recipient feel good and dependent on this hit of dopamine.
The lesson: If someone you just started dating (maybe the first week or so) is introducing you to their friends and saying ‘I love you’, it might be best to briskly walk away.
Trust is earned
When it comes to dating, think of it as a marathon and not a sprint. Consistency and trust are two vital components to building a relationship. Simon did an excellent job of making his victims fall in love before getting to the reason he was really there – money. Wrapped around his finger and already head over heels, they trusted him with no questions asked.
The lesson: It’s easy to get swept up in romance, but keep a level-head and say no when you need to.
Don’t ignore the red flags
It’s okay to be a romantic, but do not ignore red flags. There were countless red flags for these women at the start of the relationship with Simon, but they seemed to ignore them, no matter how outrageous or demanding Simon got. If someone truly loves you, they will have your best interests at heart and will not force you into an uncomfortable situation.
The lesson: Follow your gut – always – because it’s never wrong. If you have a bad feeling, trust this.
Know your self-worth
This is a biggie, but easier said than done. It can be so easy to get sucked into the bliss of a new relationship but self-worth should always remain at the forefront.
The Lesson: We all deserve a partner who treats us with respect and is willing to see our worth. If someone doesn’t see your value, walk away.
Also read:
How to protect yourself from your own ‘Tinder Swindler,’ according to a psychologist
Picture: Twitter
