There’s a mantra that rings a faint hum in my mind from when I was younger, writes Cape {town} Etc’s Ashleigh Nefdt and it’s rearing its head again in a worldwide debate:
“I’m not like other girls, I’m different.”
Cue an Avril Lavigne flashback from 2007 and a deep cringeful sigh.
“I’m not like other girls, I’m different,” my teenage self coyly snarks at me. I roll my eyes now.
I had forgotten about that tale I once prescribed myself to, until other people recently started talking about it – and dissecting it ruthlessly on the internet.
Something about the mantra still aches in my brain. Was it the fact that in that phrase, we boxed all other girls in one type of way?
Or perhaps it was that we thought being ‘different’ encouraged male acceptance? What does “not being like other girls” mean anyway? It’s such an ocean of a concept in itself, completely washing over all the little things that make every girl, and person for that matter, unique.
The bottom line is, why did so many girls who subscribed to the chant seek validation from our male peers in a way that tarnished other females?
Why did we feel that the only way to gain respect from the boys meant somehow sacrificing what was conventionally femme?
There are many ways that females can be toxically competitive with one another that go beyond body shaming and judging other girls’ appearances. Even if wanting to be different may not have been conventionally toxic, it still was because it drew a polarised divide.
A brilliant article by Mia Ambroiggio explored the problematic nature of the quest because, not only does it bring down ‘other girls,’ but it also subverts us into believing there is a polarised divide between “different” and “girls” that seeks male adoration if you fall into the latter.
Years later and I see a number of videos, posts, tweets, sub-tweets, drawings and music depicting the exact sentiment in the debate. “I’m not like other girls” is problematic, and upon following the respective threads of the many conversations about it, I wanted to go back to my 15-year-old self and rightly shake her to ‘wokedom.’
The topic was also a trend on TikTok, taking a humorous jab at social commentary whereby many users made sarcastic comments about things that “made them unlike other girls” that, when painted in a humorous light just seemed like a “pick me” constitution.
As if all girls are exactly the same if they’re not edgy or something out of a YA fiction novel, skirting down the street in a manic pixie-girl fashion on a skateboard, smoking in the rain.
There isn’t one one recipe to what makes a female, or a male. How lucky are we all to live in a time period where the vast spectrum of gender roles is being realised.
My colleague, Leigh-Ann Londt recently wrote about being a petrol head as a girl and what it was like for her journeying on that path.
Also read:
“There’s something about engines that calms me down” – the story of a petrol head
“She’s different!” I might have excitedly thought back in the day, because her primary concern wasn’t nails or lash extensions.
Here’s the thing.
So what if she likes cars? Or nails? Or both? Or neither? Why are we trying to out-girl ourselves instead of embracing the simple concept that maybe we just like what we like and it has nothing to do with gender compartmentalisation at all?
I used to enjoy my love of Marvel and DC, of video games and rap knowledge, anime and sneaker culture, eating junk food over a salad and drinking Black Labels over cocktails as tropes for my ‘difference’. Upon reflection, I realised that I never did those things because the boys did, I actually just enjoyed them on a humanly basis.
Every time I would tell a man about these interests, I was almost always met with the “you’re not like most others girls, you’re so cool,” response. However, what once made me feel unique in the world, would irritate me as I grew older.
It happened the other day no less when learning how to longboard. I ‘ate’ pavement, and decided to get back up and try again. The person teaching me (who happened to be male) was so impressed by the notion. So what if I didn’t get back up? Why is trying again considered masculine?
Thus, our males also feed into this toxic female competitiveness.
Why should other girls not be cool because they don’t play your favourite video game or know Star Wars references? Why can’t they be just as cool for liking more conventionally female things?
I love getting my nails done too, and I just so happen to love the sound of them tapping away at PlayStation controls. I love having my hair done, even if I’m wearing a baseball cap and my hair is in braids instead of flowing with curls.
I have my days when I’m ready to take on the world in sky-high heels, and then the nights when I want to slip away into a pair of white Nikes.
I used to very proudly hide how much I enjoy some ‘girly things’ but I’m now putting out the bowl of food for thought to invite us all as humans to challenge ourselves a bit more.
Girls, we really do need to stop fixating on this toxic competitiveness of trying to be better than one another. For some, it’s being ‘more done up’ or throwing shade at the expense of our sisters. That was never beneficial and never will be. For others, it meant saying we were different and milly-rocking through our ‘uniqueness’ at the stake of our fellow divine females – also not beneficial.
To the lads, maybe we should stop thinking that telling girls that they’re not like other girls is a compliment. Why not just say “I like the human that you are”?
Indeed, I like the human that you are.
Picture: Ruben Buika
