It’s 30 minutes into your first date, silence fills the room as you glance over at them wondering when they’ll ask what your favourite colour is. Instead, they surprise you to the inevitable “What is your love language?”. You scratch your head in confusion, what are they actually asking you? Wondering where the waiter is with your shaken margarita, things start to get intense…
The love language concept was highly popularised in 1992 when Dr Gary Chapman (PhD) released a book titled “The Five Love Languages : How to express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate”. Simply put, there are five ways one can give and receive love, words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service and receiving gifts. After many years of research and counselling couples, Dr Chapman said “It became apparent to me that what makes one person feel loved isn’t always the same for their spouse or partner”. While you feel loved when your partner does the dishes, they might hear “I love you” when you put your phone away on date nights. It’s all about effectively communicating love to another, and being aware of your own desires.
Words of affirmation
Some say actions speak louder than words, that might not be the case if your partner’s primary love language is words of affirmation. Whether you send them a letter via ‘dove mail’, tell them how much they mean to you, or text them before a big meeting – use your words buddy.
Make sure to:
- Show them appreciation
- Affirm their strengths
- Offer words of encouragement when they are feeling troubled
- Use pet names
- Be empathetic towards them
- Indulge them with compliment
Avoid:
- Being condescending
- Punishing them by withholding kind verbal expression
- Ghosting them
- Telling them words that denote uncertainty
- Assuming they know that they are appreciated
Quality time
Nothing says “I love you” like some undivided attention when you are in the presence of your loved one. Leave your phone on the bedside table, and be there with them, even if you watch a movie together in silence. Practice active listening skills, and focus on what they are saying to you.
Make sure to:
- Spend uninterrupted time together
- Listen and make eye contact when conversing
- Plan regular date nights
- Schedule video calls when you are physically apart
Avoid:
- Being distracted when you spend time together
- Cancelling plans at the last minute
- Making excuses when you can’t see them
- Using electronics in their presence
Physical touch
A little less talking and a whole lot of action is required here. If their love language is physical touch, know that they enjoy simple touches. This does not necessarily mean intimacy in the bedroom. A pat on the back or head rub is sometimes all that’s needed to show them you love them. Non-verbal ways of showing you love them is key.
Make sure to:
- Embrace them often
- Give long warm hugs
- Unleash all of the cuddles
- Sit close to them
- Hold their hand in public
- Put your hand on their arm while they are talking to you
Avoid:
- Aggressively rejecting affection
- Focusing solely on sex
Acts of service
Who would have thought that doing the dishes screams ‘I love you’? Watch their eyes light up as soon as you tell them “let me do that for you”. They are absolute suckers for a helping hand, so if you love them, help them out.
Make sure to:
- Show them you care by running errands with or for them
- Help them with things they dread doing
- Show them you love them through your actions
- Ask them how you can make them feel loved through your actions
Avoid:
- Don’t overthink things, keep it simple
- Don’t break any promises, stick to your word
- Avoid making their lives difficult, clean up after yourself
- Don’t ignore their requests for help with tasks
Receiving gifts
Quick myth buster: people whose primary love language is receiving gifts are not materialistic. In fact, they are closer to the opposite. Look at all of the small things they like, and gift them accordingly. Make it meaningful, pick a flower the side of the road on a random Tuesday evening and gift them with “this reminds me of you” – cheesy but it does the trick!
Make sure to:
- Surprise them with a meaningful gift
- Bring souvenirs when you travel without them
- Be thoughtful when getting them gifts
- Treat them to a handwritten card
- Ask them if they need anything when you’re at the grocery store
Avoid:
- Forgetting special occasions like anniversaries and birthdays
- Treating giving gifts like its a chore
- Being materialistic about gift giving, it’s the thought that counts
- Expecting them to always tell you what they want.
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