This evening, President Ramaphosa will be coming into our homes to fill us in on how things are going. The State of the Nation Address (Sona) is a glitzy affair, and friends and foes will be dolling up for the red carpet.
Streets will be closed and security will be beefed up as dignitaries, both dignified and disgraceful, snake through the city, bringing traffic to a standstill to hear what Cyril has to say.
Millions of South Africans across the country will be glued to their screens, hanging on to his every word, waiting for the unexpected inevitability that we are in trouble.
We will hear how things have gone from bad to worse and how there is no need to panic. Misconduct by past attendees, both recent and relegated to a distant, dark memory, will be blamed and called corrupt, criminal and unconscionable.
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Then honourable members will conduct themselves in a dishonourable fashion, leaving us back at home hanging our heads in shame and wondering what will become of us.
Watching this time-honoured event descend into chaos, as it undoubtedly will, is enough to drive one to drink, so why wait? Why not make a game out of it from the start?
I’m not encouraging the abuse of alcohol, which I’m sure we will also be hearing quite a bit about tonight.
South Africans, as a whole, already drink far too much and no encouragement is really needed.
If you choose to stick to soft drinks and water, that’s fine too, but be warned. If you do, those bathroom breaks this evening will become a very regular occurrence.
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The rules are simple: each player selects their drink of choice and takes a sip whenever a cue is heard or appears.
For example, whenever you hear the words ‘honourable member’, ‘point of order’ or ‘comrades’, you take a sip.
When someone interrupts the president, has their microphone cut off, swears, or gets into a fight, you take a sip.
When the phrase ‘madam speaker’ is uttered repeatedly, without any joy, or the speaker refuses to recognise a member on a point of order, take a sip.
When someone mentions ‘Job Creation’, ‘State Owned Enterprises’, ‘Loadshedding’, ‘Corruption’ or ‘COVID’, take a sip.
Bonus sips are also awarded for every hour that Sona runs late and when security is called in.
If the conference descends into chaos and needs to be cancelled, everybody drinks.
On Friday morning, many are likely to wake up with a pounding head, a dry mouth and bloodshot eyes.
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Their stomachs will be churning, and their beds will be spinning.
They will have to endure something of an existential crisis, question their actions from the night before, and be riddled with remorse and regret.
What happened last night? Who was that guy that just kept talking and wouldn’t shut up? Was there a fight? Did we win? Why can’t they make this a long weekend? Will my boss find it suspicious if I call in sick? Why do I have a hangover? I didn’t drink any alcohol.
These are all poignant questions worthy of poignant answers. Chances are, you stayed up too late and went to bed outraged and overstimulated.
You may find yourself in a state of ruin and vow never to put yourself through that again.
One too many sips cannot be held solely responsible for that throbbing headache and feeling of despair.
As with anyone who overindulged the night before, those honourable members, friends and foes, comrades and criminals, and even Cyril himself, should also be held accountable for the sad state of the nation.
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