Five years ago, #SliceofGasant columnist Gasant Abarder was given a gift he didn’t want. It turned out to be the best gift that brought mindfulness, self-awareness and set him on a path of finding true happiness. Surprisingly, those gifts were anxiety and depression.
It was Sunday, 15 December 2019, when I had my first panic attack. I thought I was dying from a heart attack as I gasped for air. I was meant to be at a family event but chose to go home and be on my own. I didn’t want anyone to see my tears.
I was then 41 years old and thought that these kinds of things could never happen to me; my mind was too strong. But I was ignoring the obvious symptoms. For weeks before the anniversary of my first-ever panic attack, I would wake up either furious at the world or crying inconsolably in a heap of sadness – or both – for no reason in particular.
Welcome to my midlife crisis.
Earlier that Sunday morning, I was standing in the parking lot of a school where a 5s tournament was about to kick off and I was meant to feature on my teenage son’s side. I looked around me at my teammates and opponents and they were all less than half my age. What the hell was I doing?
A week or so later, the diagnosis came sure enough: an arc of anxiety and depression brought on – according to a GP – by a chemical and hormonal shift in my body that saw a lack of happy and rational thought enzymes. The description of the so-called midlife crisis.
I started talking about my mental health publicly and it made quite a few friends and some family visibly uncomfortable. Privately, young men, some in their early 30s, were asking to meet under one ruse or other only to inevitably ask if what they were going through was normal – that is, feelings of depression or anxiety. Did they have what I have?
My answer was the same. It is human to feel anxiety or depression. You should start worrying when you have a panic attack like me or when these feelings surface on a daily basis or become debilitating.
My reason for going public was that I wanted men in my situation to seek help and by seeing my vulnerability it would hopefully encourage them to get the help they needed too. Leaving it unchecked can be destructive.
To cope, I indulged in buying football kits and boots. The rarer the item, the bigger the kick I got and I was encouraged by my psychologist to indulge myself. After all, it was a better midlife crisis coping mechanism than having an affair, buying a sportscar or turning to substances. Mine, by comparison, was fairly healthy and wholesome. And I played the game of football too – focusing my mind on one thing for at least two hours a week. I started recognising when I was in trouble and what I needed to do to get out of it.
I went to regular talk therapy sessions and went on a dose of anti-depressants and anxiety meds. It helped but it was a process to get where I am today. So, where am I today, six years later?
As I first went on this journey of healing, my emotional thoughts were dominating rational thought. Imagine driving home and you don’t know how you got home. Everything said to you goes straight to your feelings. You’re constantly thinking about tomorrow, next week, next month and next year and forgetting about today.
While I was going through this strife, I inadvertently hurt and pushed away the most important people in my life. The fact that they stuck around anyway means they were the real ones.
Slowly, with the talk therapy, I was able to realise the power of staying in the moment, not worrying about money and handling adversity when it arises. It is about having faith, manifesting your positive goals and stopping to think rationally about a hurtful thing someone might have said to you. Perhaps it wasn’t even intended as hurtful but that is how you perceived it. If it was, it’s on them and not you.
I now have too many football kits and football boots that I know what to do with. I have a vision board of my dream car and holiday destination. I will have these things because of the power of positive thought.
Happiness is a strong word and it’s loaded but I believe I am the happiest I’ve been since 15 December 2019. I believe that anxiety and depression are the gifts that brought mindfulness, fulfilment and realising what is most important in life. And boy, do I love playing football. I play it with abandon and get lost in the moment.
And if this column helps just one person to seek help, my work here is done.
Contact the South African Depression and Anxiety Group (SADAG) helpline if you need help on 0800 567 567.
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