In the last fortnight, you could have staked your claim on a lucrative chunk of land right here in Cape Town. No one would’ve blinked because no one seemed to want to claim responsibility for the 20-square metre intersection on the corners of Robert Sobukwe and Borchards Quarry, writes Gasant Abarder in a new #SliceofGasant.
Abarder, who recently launched his book, Hack with a Grenade, is among the country’s most influential media voices. Catch his weekly column here, exclusive to Cape {town} Etc.
Forget paying millions for a Clifton parking lot (in the open and exposed to the elements). You could have set up a toll road and charged every vehicle a premium for passing through your intersection. Cape Independence Party, I would have expected you guys to climb all over this, you dozy so-and-so wannabes.
I happened on this unclaimed piece of land after at least 14 days, by my count, of the traffic lights being out of order. My intrepid reporter friend, Robin Adams, counted a staggering 22 days on the trot.
Best run city for who?
When I asked the City of Cape Town on Twitter, they politely pointed me to the Western Cape Government. They, in turn, said they were on it now it had been pointed out to them. Alas, the following day the lights were still out.
Best run province for what?
Strangely, just two days before my inquiry, the City of Cape Town speed cops were managing the traffic in the absence of traffic lights. Why go to the trouble when this intersection isn’t yours?
Now consider that this is one of the first traffic lights you’ll encounter when you drive out of Cape Town International Airport. It leads to a major university and connects to the Bellville CBD. I felt embarrassed that it was located on Robert Sobukwe Road – named after the late activist at the forefront of black consciousness in my country.
While Robin and I used the tagline, ‘Whose light is it anyway?’, as we tweeted away about the intersection, I couldn’t help thinking this wouldn’t happen if the malfunctioning traffic lights were located in the leafy paradise of Constantia.
Yes, that old chestnut. I didn’t want to go down this road but a conversation with a traffic officer a few months ago confirmed there was indeed a ‘tale of two cities’ narrative at play in our Mother City.
I was picking my kids up from school in Rondebosch and a whole traffic officer was writing parents up for fines as they scrambled for a spot in the drop-and-go for the second part of the school run. He explained his bosses made them hop if there was a complaint in such a sought-after suburb. In Delft or the corner of Robert Sobukwe and Borchards Quarry, seemingly, there wasn’t such urgency.
The officer looked embarrassed because he lived in the Cape Flats too.
The defective traffic lights also illustrated the inability of motorists to grasp what exactly to do at a busy four-way stop. Or maybe it’s sheer indifference and lawlessness?
Whatever it was, I was extra careful. Out of fear of becoming roadkill. I wondered about the new collection of opposition parties being touted by John Steenhuisen’s Democratic Alliance. The Smurfs are attempting to build a coalition with failures like COPE, the Patriotic Alliance and others of the ‘one-guy-with-a-fax-machine’ variety.
If John and his collection of political misfits had any sense they’d name it the Roadkill Alliance! If they had any savvy they would use the intersection to flex.
The DA’s Natasha would be in charge of security (without whip), its DAWN patrol would let only male motorists pass, and the Patriotic Alliance would further reduce congestion by ushering all black foreign nationals to the back of the queue. COPE’s sole member would hand out flyers from retailers selling the cheapest cooking oil. (Justification for John’s cooling oil excursion to Ukraine, of course.)
Meanwhile, as the city and province played ‘Whose light is it anyway?’, Robin and I would make a road killing of our own: setting up a roadhouse that sells koesisters and Ricoffy (at my friend’s insistence) to the frustrated motorists at the intersection.
We would be equal opportunity entrepreneurs and charge everyone the same. We’d call it Wembley Roadkill 2.0 – a new DAWN.
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Picture: Robin Adams