What does life in South Africa currently have to do with the price of eggs and him missing the quarterfinal match between France and the Bokke? Everything – writes Gasant Abarder in a new #SliceofGasant column.
Abarder, who recently launched his book, Hack with a Grenade, is among the country’s most influential media voices. Catch his weekly column here.
I am so angry right now that I can hardly breathe. What does the price of eggs have to do with me missing the Boks beating France to advance to the semi-finals of the Rugby World Cup 2023? Everything! Allow me to eggs-plain (and apologies in advance for all the eggy puns).
My daughters had to sleep in the living room on Sunday night because their bedroom had been freshly painted. The fumes would have been rather too much for them to bear. I had set up my only livestream for my dad in his and mom’s cottage for them to watch the big game.
Egg-ain, what does the price of eggs have to do with it? Well, you see, apparently work is scarce out there and we’ve approached a number of contractors for quotes for renovations. The turnaround time for one such quote was four months – I’m not even eggs-aggerating. One quote, when it eventually arrived, came in for bedroom cupboards at eggs-actly R100 000. Not even fancy wood. Just plain old white veneer. And I thought: that is about right because that is the price of a tray of 16 eggs, right?
So, the point is that all of these delayed quotes conspired to seeing a painting contractor arrive on the Sunday that the Boks were playing the quarterfinal. The paint was still drying when the kickoff started.
The price of eggs has plunged us into an unprecedented crisis the scale of which hasn’t been seen since Eskom and COVID. Eggs have overtaken Apple as a top selling share on stock exchanges. Jacob Zuma is kicking himself (in his eiers?) for not asking for a plane full of eggs instead of cash. And Cyril Ramaphosa is trying to figure out whether it would be wise to shove eggs down a mattress.
The ladies and gents who trade in cryptocurrency are cashing in their Bitcoin for eggs. One Bitcoin equals roughly one egg. They are so astute and agile to the changing market and are ahead of the game. Not even for a fancy Fabergé egg. No, sir, just a garden variety chicken-laid egg. Not even a free-range egg.
Somewhere in Boksburg, I’m told but somehow don’t believe it, that chaps reported to work on Monday morning without Klippies and Cola hangovers because they had traded these for eggs!
Nike South Africa is also ahead of the game, so much so that there is not a single Bok stadium shirt in the stores. You see, they knew no one would be interested in buying a replica shirt for R1 200 if they could get an egg for the same price instead.
I’m told that Rassie is already making a video that he will be posting on Eggs… I mean X … and tagging all the members of the International Rugby Board (IRB). He wants the IRB to rather give the Boks a plane load of eggs instead of the Webb Ellis trophy when, not if, we win the final.
It is said too, that in the run up to the quarter-final, the Boks were running out of rugby balls during training because they looked so much like eggs to Eben Egg-sebeth that he kept shoving them into his luggage.
It’s madness and all because some dude at Eggs-kom failed to keep the hens covered by an afdakkie. It rained on the hens and they couldn’t have eggs. Period. No, seriously, because eggs are chicken periods, according to my very clever colleague.
Imagine my absolute disgust when my family started making scrambled eggs on Sunday morning instead of spreading caviar on their toast. We had to have a serious sit down and discuss our priorities as a family.
There is just one man that can save us from this latest crisis that has plunged our country into despair. And that is Siya Kolisi. The man can walk on water (and eggshells, I’m sure) and can pick up not just the rand but also our eggs. For when, not if, he and the manne lift that cup (and bring back our plane load of eggs) we will again be in egg-stacy!
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Picture: Jakub Kapusnak / Unsplash