People, can we please back off on the undue criticism against our President? It was necessary for him to travel to the winter wonderland of Davos to sip hot chocolate made with appliances that run off real electricity. He is after all on a mission to Make SA great Again, writes Gasant Abarder in a new #SliceofGasant.
Abarder, who recently launched his book, Hack with a Grenade, is among the country’s most influential media voices. Catch his weekly column here, exclusive to Cape {town} Etc.
afkak verb (2)
\ uff-kak \
- The Afrikaans translation of loadshat; the act of afkakkery is loadshedding.
- Figurative: spiraling from out-of-control money loss in Januworry.
Stage 6 loadshedding is a real conversation killer. Literally! You’ll be in the middle of a Zoom meeting or a Whatsapp and poof! Darkness!
Our kids are going to have heightened senses. Their pupils will be larger to see better in the dark. Their hearing is being honed to match that of a jaguar (the big cat, not the car).
They will be able to navigate their way through the dark like experts while we continue to stumble around walking into things and stepping into stray pieces of Lego. Ouch! I always step into the most articulated pieces with sharp edges.
Afraid of the dark? Tough! You’re going to have to overcome that particular phobia, Little Amina. And you probably will because we’re being loadshat for up to 12 hours a day. For us 33 percenters, yep, that is half a day!
Deadlines? These kids will be better. They know they need to charge their devices and get whatever they need to get done before the blackout hits.
I heard on talk radio the other day – during a break from the white noise disruption caused by loadshedding during broadcasts – that we were loadshat for something stupid like 205 days out of 365 days last year.
Wow, Cyril! No wonder that poor Andre chap from Eskom had cyanide in his coffee. It’s your fault! The guy thought he was digging into his tin of Ricoffy in the office while the lights were out. But it was just the cyanide his wife, Genna Ruyter, had packed in his lunch bag.
Like our very own zombie version of Thomas Edison in the Upside Down, Cyril has discovered the lack of light. Our president has thus put together a task team to investigate solutions to the power crisis urgently. Because it has only been 15 years of afkakkery, Cyril. Thanks so much for your swift response.
The task team will in two years’ time present at a commission of inquiry. The commission will require a budget of half a trillion rand to print its report (during non-loadshedding times). It will be a thick volume in a number of pages that Jacob Zuma won’t be able to say out loud. The outcome will be inconclusive and Cyril’s successor will establish a second commission of inquiry.
We could say our president is gaslighting us but we don’t have bucks for gas either. It’s Januworry, after all.
We should have been pleased our president was escaping the darkness to travel to Davos again where he at least could have charged his phone. He had important business to attend to. He can’t be scrambling with a phone that has 20% battery life. That’s for us muppets!
While in Davos, Cyril could have sought out former compatriot turned American billionaire Elon Musk. Cyril could have asked him to shave a few kajillion bajillion US dollars off his one-way mission to Uranus so that we can build proper power infrastructure here in the shithole where our national sport is afkakkery. To help us help him to MASAGA – Make South Africa Great Again.
I really do believe this would have been our Trump card.
Elon should’ve been persuaded to stay in Uranus as the people there need a leader so civilisation and the colonial benefits of piped water can reach those parts of our galaxy. Their power source so Earth may benefit. Elon would send the power source down to us so that it can be nationalised by a family who have recently moved here. This family would’ve helped to choose a cabinet too. But if it’s not coal then don’t bother.
Further Elon could have saved a seat on the one-way trip for Carl Niehaus as a gift to the people of Uranus from all of us for their generosity. They would have been eternally grateful for a stand-up comedian of Carl’s quality. Now where else will Carl get a seat at the table?
We must trust Cyril to show us the way. We are not worthy … of electricity. May there be light wherever you are. We have seen how there is always light around you. At Nasrec. At Parliament during the State of the Nation Address. When you’re watching Kaizer Chiefs from the presidential residence. (I’m guessing you’re a Chiefs fan on account that they’re always losing.)
With gratitude, love, warmish regards (the microwave is off) and no light from, the afkakked upon.
Also read:
#NationalShutdown trends & Ramaphosa cancels World Economic Forum trip
Picture: Unsplash