Maybe someone you know is always talking about the Caspers in their lives, the Danny Phantoms, the ghosters. Or maybe it’s happened to you. Maybe it is you. Well, whichever invisible shoe fits, ghost culture is something prevalent in society right now, and we should probably chat about it.
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Wait, what is ghosting exactly?
If ‘ghosting’ is a new term to you, don’t sweat it. It’s really just a newer term for something humans have been doing for ages. Think of all the songs that have been written about people just disappearing from relationships on the sly. Cue Prince’s How Come You Don’t Call Me Anymore. Ghosting is classed differently for everyone- and the reasons behind the Casper trail are often just as diverse in nature.
For the most part, and as per mainstream definitions, ghosting refers to someone cutting off all communication without any explanation, usually in a dating setting. Or as Martha Beck puts it writing for Oprah.com, it’s a person gradually withdrawing from a relationship via lack of communication. And to those who might think they’re in the clear because they rarely let anything get to the dating stage anyway, bad news. Ghosting can trickle all the way down from actual relationships, to situationships, pre-situationships, and sometimes friendships too, depending on who you ask.
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The digital ghost creator.
Why is it a phenomenon now if it’s been happening throughout history? Well, that’s because society is in communication with more people than ever before-thanks to the Digital Age. Additionally, when it comes to social distancing, there’s now a heavy reliance on social media for communication. This is the safest way to maintain contact right now, and also built up a large repotaire of contacts for many- which has meant loads of communication.
Now looking at how prevalent ghosting is, and knowing what it is, invokes an icy feeling.
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So why isn’t ghosting generally okay?
Listen, in light of being transparent (yes, the word choice was purposeful) I was stressing about whether I’m a ghost. No, I’m not talking about straight-up just abandoning anyone. If I had to classify it, I’d call it ‘light ghosting.’ As in, I forget to respond to some people I don’t know well and then I remember about three months later when it would just seem rude to reply. Or, sometimes social media simply forces us to take a step back from our phones. ‘Light ghosting’, something I think we all do from time to time, often results in us returning to the conversation and saying “sorry for the late response.” I’m not saying it’s right, I’m just saying it happens.
However, for my dark ghosters out there, I mean the ones who songs are written about (Olivia Rodrigo is watching you) this is how much people despise ghosting, because when it comes to a situation where someone thought a connection was going somewhere, it can really hurt.
According to VICE, “we fail to recognise that even acts like ‘trolling’ and ‘ghosting’ can take dark overtures.”
VICE even went as far as to add ghosting to their brief glossary of ‘Sh*tty Behavior.’
“It’s disgusting that pop culture is trying to sensationalize it” Life coach TikTokker @captain_positivity angrily expressed.
Here’s why it’s hated on.
1.It combats basic human decency, TV host @lifecoachkesh expresses in a piece entitled “reasons why you actually do owe people an explanation before ghosting.”
“The least you can do is explain why communication must end,” she notes.
2. It’s actually a form of emotional abuse. Medium wrote a pretty powerful piece on this.
3.It leaves people without closure, which is never cool.
As TikTokker @claireincopenhagen expresses, “it purposely leaves someone guessing and that’s cruel.”
When it’s not okay (according to a therapist)
“Here’s when ghosting someone probably isn’t the best call:”
- You just aren’t feeling it. (Tell them).
- You aren’t ready for a relationship. (Tell them).
- You’re projecting past relationship’s expectations on them. (Ask them what their expectations are; don’t assume.)
- You disagree with their beliefs. (Tell them why it isn’t working.)
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Ouch. Okay but is ghosting ever okay?
It really depends on the context. As Beck writes, there are times when it is simply unacceptable. In today’s high-volume dating economy to quote VICE, there are times when it can be practical. A psychotherapist has argued that ghosting is okay when it comes to boundaries and safety. For example, if someone is sending you unsolicited nudes, or if you’ve been emotionally or physically abused. Block and go bestie.
Beck takes a different approach, expressing that in today’s casual dating economy, it’s practical.”It’s the inevitable by-product of modern transportation and communication technologies, which let us stay in near-constant contact with a virtually limitless number of people.” In other words, talking to so many people on different platforms can be overwhelming, sometimes ghosting just happens. Constant communication technologies are exhausting. In these cases, particularly when your relationships are somewhat shallow, experts seem to express that ghosting can be acceptable. This refers to not continuing a DM conversation or maybe not reaching out to someone after just one casual Tinder meet up- definitely not an entire relationship.
As VICE puts it in another piece, sometimes you just need to let the ghosters ghost, especially when you hardly know them. Let it go and free yourself right?
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Can you come back from ghosting? Should you?
Despite the mixed opinions of people and experts on this one, going from ghost to Zombie as writer Patrick Allan coins it, is based on your own personal context. Maybe you want to make things right and offer closure, or perhaps you had reasons for going into ghost mode and you’d like to express them.
“Hi I was overwhelmed and ended up not replying, but it’s not your fault,” can go a long way. Look, it’s really up to you and the particulars of your situation. Just check your intentions before you slide back into anyone’s life, always.
Picture:Tothi Fanni/ Pinterest