As soon as we hear the word gaslighting we run for the hills. That’s how toxic a trait we’ve come to understand it to be when reflecting on our relationships – both romantic and platonic.
But when it comes to our relationships with ourselves, do we even realise that sometimes we might be the ones secretly dimming our own gaslights?
Yes, it’s true. Self-gaslighting is a thing and it’s something we need to figure out how to unlearn.
What is gaslighting?
A psychological term born from an old American psychological thriller in which a husband would turn the gaslights down slightly lower each night in order to disorient his wife.
Every time his wife would mention it, he convinced her that it was all in her head. She was just imagining it. He would also purposefully hide items but insist that it was her that had lost them. All with the aim of causing her to slowly lose her sanity to get his hands on some money.
The term has since become the embodiment of a psychological form of emotional abuse seen in many abusive relationships. The victim is perpetually manipulated and undermined to the point where they begin questioning their own emotional validation, thoughts, reality, and self-worth.
This much we probably know, but what about self-gaslighting?
Self-gaslighting – It’s more than just self-doubt
Like anything in life, a little bit of self-doubt is not a bad thing. In fact, coupled with humility, it becomes a powerful tool to check in with yourself, set realistic expectations, and recognise –not fixate on – your weaknesses without overriding your self-worth.
Self-gaslighting, however, does exactly that. It obliterates your perception of value and strength with a sense of self-doubt so extreme, your inner voice becomes your own tormentor.
It often involves invalidating and/or suppressing your thoughts, emotions, and reality. After a hurtful incident, have you ever found yourself (almost instinctively) thinking things like “I’m probably overreacting,” or “maybe this happened because of me”?
It’s subtle at times and painfully blatant at others. But nine times out of 10, it’s always a twisted manipulation that leaves you second-guessing yourself every single time. Sound familiar?
Ten signs of self-gaslighting:
- You minimise your own emotions
- You lack trust in your own intuition
- You seek constant reassurance from others
- You invalidate your experiences
- You question your memories
- You feel guilty or burdensome asking for help
- You constantly blame yourself
- You make excuses for other people’s bad behaviour
- You doubt your own capabilities and are your own worst critic
- You believe something is fundamentally wrong with you
So how to begin deconstructing our very own tormentor? Take a few breaths. Feel the ground beneath you. Begin your healing journey.
Change self-sabotage to self-validate
Instead of I’m probably being oversensitive, think all my feelings are valid to me.
Instead of This is the wrong way to feel, think my feelings can never be wrong because it’s my subjective truth at this moment.
Instead of I’m hurt but they had good intentions so I’ll let it go, think their intention is important but not more important than its impact on my feelings.
Instead of I don’t deserve to be happy because of things that happened in my past, think no one is perfect so I don’t have to suffer for the rest of my life or let it define my future.
Instead of I am not enough, there must be something wrong with me, think I will always be enough for myself and for those who value and respect me.
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